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This article, Redwood Cigarettes Co., is property of Damon Redwood. |
| Redwood Cigarettes Co. | |
|---|---|
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| Leader(s) | Unknown, Ludwig Redwood (former), Damon Redwood, Tom Hagen, KGBSpetsnaz |
| Appears in | GTA series, Rootin' Tootin', Cowboy Shootin' |
| Country | Slovenia, Germany, UK, Europe, North Carolina, New York, Los Angeles, Texas, West Virginia, Louisiana, United States of America |
| Type | Tobacco company |
| Active | 1873-today |
| Motto | "Grow a spine and grow a pair! Smoke some Redwood fags." (Always) |
- "The Redwoods make these tobacco products stand out for real men. Screw your anti-tobacco campaigns, just smoke a Redwood a day to keep the stress away. Cigs, especially Redwoods don't ruin your brain cells nor do they addict you or ruin your lungs."
- — Ken Silverman
Redwood Cigarettes Company (or just Co.) is a tobacco and candy company featured in the GTA and RDR series. They have the best darn cigarettes in any country they're located in, perhaps even the best on entire Earth or Multiverse Federation for that matter. They were founded by an unknown Redwood back in the past but the first CEO of the company was known to be Ludwig Redwood, who led it from 1955 to around 2010.
Info[]
As one can clearly see, the Redwood Cig Co. appears on numerous billboards and advertisements all around the world in GTA and on radio stations plus TV. Hell, there is one entire 4-hours long show dedicated and made for only to talk about Redwood Cigarettes and its rich history. It currently plays on KCN (Kenson Community Network) but unfortunately, the show also has to add in some biased Kenson propaganda thanks to Kenson's Dictatorship. The cigs helps cure stress, more so than any type of weed there exists in this world. The Redwood Cig Co. has a slice in the Dixmor Project as well, it is even rumoured to be Luccardo Dixmor's favourite cigarette brand.
Frank Kenson himself has been known to be smoking Redwoods as well, while Barack Obama preferred Newports.
There is also a special website for Redwood Cigarettes Co. which can be accessed using any computer, but is more commonly achievable on Windows. On the website, the banner is a red rook-like logo with a distinguished Elder God looking down from it, a reference to Barzini Family and Shinnok, at least for now.
The Company also sponsors some Grand Prix vehicle races and has also been known to sponsor the horse and cart races around Desert Fort in Gaptooth Ride in Red Dead Garlic bread, since the company is very old. The Redwood Cigarettes Co. is also mentioned in newspapers in Rootin' Tootin', Cowboy Shootin', back then when it was just a series of general stores. They have also been sponsoring horse races in Garlic breads multiplayer through Nate Johnson, one of their puppets.
The Redwood Cigarettes Co. in America also funds President Kenson, but who doesn't really? In other countries they usually fund liberal-leaning political figures or have them in their pockets. In America, they sponsored many US Presidents and authority figures from both parties in the past, like Lucas Borlinghathen, Jackson Borlinghathen, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter, Al Gore and have also been known to be involved with the Barzini Mob and DeVazzi Family.
Thanks to sponsoring racing activities, it is possibly they could sponsor (at least halfly) the racings around Miami in which Tone Montana and Gaspar's Gang competed back in 2015 and '16. Maybe they have been sponsoring even those Miami races back in 2008 and '09.
Unlike other cowardly companies who hid thanks to their tremendous fear of COVID-19, the Redwood Cigarettes are still running open today and it's employees get no rest! But not to worry, they get face masks and gloves n' sith, except in Germany, where the Co. is closed. The sexy CEO Damon Redwood and the co-owner Tom Hagen are at home and absent, though. Ken Silverman is running the place in their name.
Ray Buttowski from L.A. Noire has been known to smoke Redwoods, as has James Moonmen and a couple of other folk, including the police commissioner William Worrell.
Redwood Junior[]
Not to worry kids, the Redwood Cig Co. also produces the Redwood Junior! A golden and awesome, chunky brand of candy cigarettes intended for children. They come in variouses; from gums to chocolate candies to jellies. Each pack contains 30 small candy cigarettes. There are many Redwood Junior billboards and ads as well, throughout the entire world and stickers of the ads can be found around playgrounds as well. The stickers can also be found in schools, in paper, in backgrounds making cameos in cartoons, we consume!
Moses Rannt has been known to eat Redwood Junior.
Redwood Gold[]
Redwood Gold is a gold-filtered cigarette variant of the standard red Redwoods and the boxes of these cigs are golden, actual gold, mind you. They can be bought by only the richest of the rich as they cost around some million euros or dollars thanks to their boxes and because they have added some special ingredients from other planets. The known buyers of these babies are Leviticus Cornwall, Jacques Dixmor (who shared them with Mayor Griffon), Frank Kenson, Victor Barzini and some other rich clientele, like Mr. Harrington, father of Derby Harrington.
There is also another variant called Redwood Blue which comes in blue packs and has blue filters, but otherwise seems to be the same as the standard Redwoods, except it has added some fidgety-styled nicotine or something, perhaps even caffeine somehow.
The Redwood Reserve are a mountain-styled version of the fags, which can be bought from stores in forests or safe points in mountains n' stuff. They are useful for hikers and mountain rednecks.
Known employees[]
- Owner: Ludwig Redwood (former), Damon Redwood, Tom Hagen (second-in-command, second owner), KGBSpetsnaz (second-in-command, second owner ever since Tom Hagen went missing)
- Employees: Ken Silverman (higher ranking), Buzzy Boy-Fan, resurrected Lucas Hernandez, Fat Boner, Smoke (sometimes)
- Manager: Redwood, KGBSpetsnaz and Hagen themselves
The secret ingredient[]
What makes Redwoods stand out so much from regular fags? Well, like Mr. Krabs with his dam krabby patty formula, I can't say, otherwise everyone would be copying the Redwood Company off and Redwood would lose income. Some say it's Damon's own jizz, but no one knows for sure. That rumour can't be real, though, otherwise a lot of female customers of Redwood would be pregnant by now.
Trivia[]
- The employees of the Co. have one of the highest pays on the entire world, they're almost all millionaires themselves, let alone those on top. Now that's equality. Communists should try it out sometime instead of protesting all of the big bizzes (businesses) and creating unemployment.
- Former Lawyer for various mafia families, Tom Hagen, is known to work here in high position as well thanks to his connections to Lord Redwood.
- There are currently construction sites for a Redwood Cig Company located on some parts of Outworld and the Never Never Land.
- Old Spice odor ripped off our colours.
- In an ironic twist, Damon Redwood is straight edge in real life and doesn't consume any sort of tobacco products nor does he intend too.
- In another ironic twist, KGBSpetsnaz doesn’t consume any tobacco products in real life nor does he intend to either. As a matter of fact, he’s also a teetotaler IRL and doesn’t intend to drink any alcoholic beverage either. Regardless, he has nothing against alcohol or tobacco even though he once did.
- They are sold in Smoke's Signals and Holden Holdings in France.
- Unlike some, unworthy cigarette companies, Redwood Co. does not test on animals nor do they use parts of beaver's anus or anal to be created.
- Abigail Peppercorn wants this business shutdown ASAP.
- KGBSpetsnaz became the company’s second-in-command when Tom Hagen went missing.
- Humphrey Bogart, James Cagney, George Raft, Clark Gable, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Junior, Katharine Hepburn, Ava Gardner and Lauren Bacall were all HUGE fans of Redwood Cigarettes.
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