Please do not get offended over this page if you're religious
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This article, Isus Christus, is property of Demon Redwood. |
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This article, Isus Christus, is property of Squirrely the Horrible. |
| Isus Christus | |
|---|---|
 The Hispanic Jesús which looks a bit like Javier Escuella | |
| Biographical information | |
| Real name | Joshua H. (either Hoax, Hitler or Hanson) Christopher Christ |
| Also known as | King Jesus/Jeebus, King of Peasants, Humble one, Man from Galilee, Jeebus, Hitler, King of the Jews, The deceiver, Liar, God, Son of Gait, god's sonny, skyjew, skydaddy, sky wizard, the Shepherd, Sheep-herder, Josh, the only white dude in the Middle East/Yeast, Jesus of Nazareth, Skycarpenter, Masta', Jizzus, JeSUS, Isuse, Isus Hristus, false idol, The Fool, Hoax, Lamp/Lamb of Gawd, the Man, Power of the Man, American Jesus, The Ku Klux Jess, False Saviour |
| Nationality |  Jewish (probably)
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| Born | Spring or autumn, at least 2000 years ago |
| Died | April/May, 33 years after his birth |
| Age | 32 |
| Status | Deceased |
| Birthplace | Galilee, Nazareth, modern day Israel, Middle East |
| Physical description | |
| Eye colour | Brown |
| Hair colour | Brown |
| Ethnicity | Middle Eastern (brown skin tone) |
| Height | 5'3” (160 cm) |
| Weight | 54 kg (119 lbs) |
| Blood type | ? |
| Gender |  Male
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| Career, affiliations and family information | |
| Affiliation(s) |  Vatican, Alt-Right,  Kenson's Republican Party (alleged), Frank Kenson (assumed), Westboro Baptist Church, Church of the Later Day Saints (aka Morons), Nate Johnson, Adolf Hitler (probably), Gait, Raiden (assumed), Fujin (possibly), Elder Gods, Vladimir Pudding, the Orthodox Church, many dictators, including Robby Mugabe and the Serbian butchers,  QAnon, Polish govt., his disciples, Hamas, Messianic Jews
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| Enemies | The entire  Never Never Land probably, Dis, Chernobog, Shinnok, Azazel, Olaf Tutchenko, Shao Kahn,  Dixmor Project,  Freemasons, King Baal, Quan Chi, Clurkicus, Nutty, Baphomet Williams,  Templars (pre-christianic version), Pagan gods, Moloch, Jason's Justice Gibers, Judas,  the Roman Empire, Marilyn Manson, Lord Antichrist, Damien Thorn, Eric and Dylan, Jews that hate him
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| Occupation(s) | Carpenter, false messiah, rabbi |
| Notable family members | Gait (alleged real father), Joseph Christ (fake father), Mary Christ (mum), James (brother) |
| Goals | Make his religion rule the world (succeeded in most countries and parts of the world, posthumously), kill off all of the resisting Romans and Pagans (succeeded), "cure" the deaf, the blind, the sick, the needy just so they would join his ideology (the last part counted as succeeded) escape Tiberius and Pontius Pilate's justice (failed), annihilate all minorities and make women submissive to the male gender forever (failed), make megachurches rich (debatable, but posthumously succeeded if it were his goals), ban abortion and "baby-killing" to end women's rights (partially succeeded) |
| Video Games, Movies and Cartoons information | |
| Main appearance(s) (Video Games) | Probably some christian-related games |
| Voiced by (English) | Nolan North |
| Portrayed by | That guy from YouTube who cosplays as him, Cesare Borgia |
- "LIKE AN ISUS CRISIS! I MADE IT UP FOR YOU!"
- — Marilyn Manson proclaims himself Jeebus himself
- "Father, why the Hell have you forsaken me!??!"
- — Christ's last words
- "I came to set the world on fire and how I wish it were already burning. Let's light a candle for the sinners and set this sucker on fire! I did not come to bring peace! But a sword!"
- — Christ to Luke
Isus H. Christus (real name Joshua Hoax/Hitler/Hanson Christopher Christ), also known universally as Jesus Christ and by many nicknames and titles, was a Jewish dictator from Nazareth (present day Israel), and one of the few men who managed to deceive the entire world into worshipping him... for a while. He created the largest religion on the planet Earth known as Christianity (also spelt as Xistianity by Jews) through manipulative charisma and oratory skills that his fellow peasants lacked at the time. However, it weren't for Jesus, someone else would've had done the same.
Jesus called himself the son of God, specifically Gait, arrogantly and demanded everyone to worship him and follow him, even if the Roman Empire, in which he lived in, had different Gods. Jesus believed himself to be something of above authority and law, and believed only in his own authority.
Info
Jesus, born as Joshua H. Christopher Christ of course, was born into a poverty-stricken family in Nazareth. His mother was Mary Magdalene Christ and his father was Joseph Christ... officially. Unofficially, Jesus proclaimed himself the son of God, real name Gait, aka Yahweh.
When he was born, Jesus, as per Jewish traditions and customs, was circumcised at birth, and baptised by John the Jewish Baptist. He grew up poor, and loathed his father Joseph and his brother James, and wished he was a son of a higher spiritual being or something. Joshua grew up to be a carpenter, but he kept those wishes with him when he grew up, and started his own ministry as a rabbi, using his eloquent words he learned from Johnny the Baptist to draw crowds and crowds of Jewish peasants to him. Jesus often flawed his religious and celebrity position, claiming he knew their Jewish God, known as Yahweh the best and even managed to convince the peasants who ate up his words that the Pagans were evil for worshipping foreign gods and lied that they sacrificed puppies, kittens, lambs, doves, bunnies and children to them at night and that they oppressed their fellow Jews. However, when some of the Jews from Eastern, specifically Asian countries, turned out to actually worship a god known as Gait, he claimed to be his son instead. His followers, some of whom were literate, ate all of this up and started writing that stuff down. Long years into the future, his words would be known in a book called the Holy Buy-bull (crap). In the future, long after Joshua's death, his followers would attack rival Pagan communities and the Roman empire. Nevertheless, Josh agreed with that idea, saying that he has a feeling that in the future, everyone will listen to him and read his book. With his crowd of dumb sheeple, aka followers arising, so did his ego and he even started blathering out nonsense that his word is law and that everyone should worship him. His followers, who had minus 1 digit of an IQ, believed all of this BS and started revolting against the local Pagans for not agreeing with skyjew and declaring him an idol. However, it wasn't just the Pagans who did that, but some smart Jews also started to disagree with Jesus' teachings, saying that it is a blasphemy to declare yourself the "son of god" and claimed that Jizzus should rot in Hell for that. The Roman Empire was of the same opinion. This was the first crack in Jesus' Nazarethian dreams and the start of signing his own death warrant. It was clear by then that his hubris got the better of him. Thanks to this, Jesus started losing some popularity, specifically from the highly religious Jews who revert Gait and had no beef with the Roman Senate or government. Jesus also started losing his income as a carpenter as more and more of Roman citizens refused his services and declared him an "arrogant idol" and a "fool".
Despite that, Jesus still had at least 12 loyal followers under his grasp. Sometime later, Jizzus' arrest warrant was issued in Jerusalem by the Roman government as the leaders of the Jewish community couldn't stand his bragging that he was their god's son or Yahweh's and the Rome didn't like him in general. One of his men, Judas Iscariot, who was down on his luck, was bribed by the Roman army with some change to point out at one of Jesus' dinner feasts who he even was, so that he could be arrested for his disturbance of peace and deception, as he was walking on thin fuaking ice. Despite being such a famous rabbi and inventor of a new religion, no one seemed to know what he even looked like. This is due to the fact that almost everyone who followed Jesus looked the same back then, especially John the Baptist. Once he was exposed, JeSUS was put in a dark, solitary jailcell to await his trial. Jesus shooed off his own lawyer, as he believed that as a "son of Gait", he doesn't need any help in getting out of the Roman Empire's clutches at all.
During his arrest, Jizzus was accompanied by the Roman Army to his cell to prevent his escape, where Jesus, despite his initial egotistical bragging, prays to be spared his coming ordeal as sweat begins to drip from his forehead. His "loyal" disciples then go into hiding, and Peter, when questioned, thrice denies knowing Jesus and claims that he never had any connections to him. After the third denial, Peter is left alone by the Romans and he is free to go.
During his time in the stinking dungeon, filled with roaches, mice, rats and mouldy walls, our "protagonist" does not pray to be spared his crucifixion, as the gospel portrays him as regaining his ego and believing his 'god', Gait, his father really, could help him. Jesus is then told by the Temple guards to stop jabbering and go to sleep already as he has a trial in the morning and needs to watch his mouth, as he didn't want to lawyer up.
The next morning, at around 6 AM, Jesus is waken up by the guards and he falls from his bed when it is done so, before he is taken over the shoulder (with butt up) to the private residence of the Pagan-Roman high priest, Caiaphas, who had been installed by Senator Pilate's predecessor, the Roman procurator Valerius A. Gratus. The jury at the trial was composed of Romans, Canaanites, Jews and Messianic Jews, to make it fair. During the trial, Jesus only brags how great Gait is for about half an hour before the trial ends. He is then taken to Pilate's palace and beaten until he's all purple that night for being such a bragging douchebag. Early the next morning, the Roman chief priests and scribes lead Jesus away into their council. John, one of Jesus' still loyal men, states that Christ is first taken to Annas, Caiaphas's father-in-law, and then to the high priest where he'll be examined if he truly is Gait's son and will also be touched in private places to see if there is any "holy seed" in his small sex organ.
During the next set of trials Jesus surprisingly speaks very little and mounts no defence, possibly due to the beatings he got the other night. However, he still gives out very infrequent and indirect answers when needing to, to the priests' questions due to his ego, prompting an officer to slap him and another one to kick him in the shin, making the hippie b-tard get on his bended knees. Still, JeSUS is unresponsive and that leads Caiaphas to ask him: "Have you no answer?" "No, your honour." replies the man from Galilee. The high priest then asks Jesus: "Are you really the Messiah, the Son of the Blessed One?" Jesus replies: "I am, fool!", but is beaten down even more by the officers as a result and he lays on the ground, defeated. This provokes Caiaphas to tear his own robe in anger and to accuse Jizzus of blasphemy. Seeing that there is no way for Jizzus to reconcile and think for himself to spare himself the fate they have chosen for him, he is taken back to his smelly cell to await the third and last... trial.
The Jewish elders and scholars go up Jesus the next day in his cell, as he just took a piss in the corner of his room, and they take him to Pilate's Court and beg the Roman governor, Pontius Pilate, to judge and condemn Jesus for various allegations that Caiaphas himself charged him with: subverting the nation, oppressing the nation, genocide, tax evasion, claiming to be a God, a king, and claiming to be the son of God, all simultaneously. Pilate takes this into consideration, despite his initial confusion as to why the Jews decided to betray one of their own. When dragged into the courtroom, Jizzus states: "My kingdom is not from this world!", but he does not unequivocally deny being the king of the Jews. What Jizzus meant by the quote is that he is originally from Heavens and will "return there", shortly. Pilate then realises that Jesus is a Galilean, and thus comes under the jurisdiction of Herod Antipas, the Tetrarch of Galilee and Perea. Pilate then sends the Jews to drag Christ to Herod to be tried, about 2 miles from where they were, but Jesus says almost nothing in response to Herod's questions, despite being beaten to lay on his back and getting poked with a hot poker on his feet. Herod and his soldiers then mock Jesus who is blowing at his feet to calm down the fire and put an expensive robe on him to make him look like an actual "king". After Herod tells he's too busy to do his job as a judge and despite the different jurisdiction, Jesus is dragged back on his knees to Pilate, who then calls together the Jewish elders and they advise him on what to do. It is eventually decided that Jizzus should spend another night in a cell, with another criminal known as Barabbas, to await the next trial and the final one, the final judgement.
Observing a Passover custom of the time the next day, Pilate allows one prisoner chosen by the crowd to be released. He gives the people a choice between "Gait's son" and a murderer called Barabbas. Seeing that Barabbas was the lesser evil of the two and not a future dictator, the Jewish council chooses to release Barabbas and crucify Jesus. Pilate writes a sign in Hebrew, Latin, and Greek that reads "Jesus of Nazareth, the King of the Jews" (abbreviated as INRI) to be affixed onto Jesus' cross instead of a RIP and then they send the scum away to be crucified. During the long walk to the Golgotha, the place of Jizzus' execution, Christy is forced to carry the wooden cross on his back and shoulders, is whipped onto the back and his s, mocked and spat on, and then a crown made of thorns is put onto Jesus' head to ridicule his fake status as the so-called 'King of the Jews'. They beat and taunt him all the way before they arrive at their destination, but very deservingly, as according to his own words and followers' writings in the testaments and the bible, he wants everyone to worship him, kill those who refuse to, kill all minorities and take over the world in his name. What a wicked man.
Death
Around 2:56 PM, Jesus and his captures finally arrived to Golgotha where the cross was put between two thieves who were also crucified there that day. Despite his initial pride and egotistical stance on the matter, Jesus began to suspect that his god would abandon him and not intervene in his death.
Believe it or not, JeSUS was indeed right in his assumptions. He was heightened up and put on a wooden cross, beat some more and finally nailed at his palms and his legs. His legs were put together to be nailed more easily. While this was happening, Jizzus called out to the sky "FATHER! Why hath though forsaken me!?! IN MY HEART, FORSAKEN ME!? IN MY EYES FORSAKEN ME!?! FORSAKEN... MEH!!! Trust in my... SELF-RIGHTEOUS SUICIDE!!!" However, this was just a coping mechanism for Jesus, as he tried to play his death off as a divine sacrifice for "humanity's sins".
After Jesus was betrayed by Judas and Pete and finally died on the cross at 3:15 PM, many of his disciples thought on what to do next. Not wanting to see their 'god' or prophet or teacher or what-the-hell-ever as a weakling and someone who died at the hands of the Romans, they made up a story about how Jesus, apparently jumped off his cross and came back to life 3 days after his crucifixion.
Aftermath
Despite this on surface well-made plan to make their leader seem immortal, his followers couldn't decide whether he got off the cross, rose up from the grave or opened up his sacred tomb to get back to the land of the living, so the gospel reports contradict each other. Despite this, a lot of christians back then ate all of this up and still do today, which would mean that no matter how vile the disciples' lies were, they worked.
When he died, Jesus' soul actually descended into the pits of the Never Never Land according to the Talmud, as calling yourself a "god" or son of a "god" is considered blasphemy in Judaism. There Jesus was tortured days and nights to rectify his mistakes, but he never did. Eventually becoming bored, the Brotherhood of Shadow let Jesus have a few moments of rest, but while they did, Jesus send out a telepathic signal out on Earth to people who were still following him and serving him, even after his death, and this would prove to be the most fatal for humanity as a whole.
Post-Death Villainy
After sending his telepathic messages across the globe, wars started to erupt when Christian leaders, after taking over Europe under Emperor Constantinople and the Pope of Vatican after the fall of the Roman Empire, and the original Pagan communities, no matter what they believed in or did, were all destroyed under Jesus' orders. Jizzus carefully implanted the Vatican and the Pope to rule his religion from their safe haven in the middle of Europe, present day Italy, all covered in gold. However, not everyone obeyed Jesus' will or did what he said, but those traitors or free-thinkers rather, were quickly and quietly disposed off. Ironically, a lot of Popes themselves sinned a lot, although rumours have it that they were tempted by demonic forces, which would mean that not even they obeyed all of Chrissy's orders.
Despite the lying, biased doctrine suggesting that there are numerous views and praises of nonviolence throughout the history of Christian theology, that is in fact not the case, as if it weren't for all the murders, pillages, rapes, burnings and tortures that Jesus telepathically ordered his followers to do, there would be no christianity. Well, there would, but only a small minority of the world would be christian, unlike now, when we have statues of Isus literally on every corner on almost every place on Earth.
Christian leaders, who managed to take over most of the world, came up with the idea that Jesus never died and actually went up to Heaven once he returned on the third day after his death and now they claim that if you accept him as your lord, saviour, messiah and master, you will be able to live with him up in the clouds. The people ate this up and all started serving skydaddy, however, those who didn't, were condemned and were told that they'd be burning in the deepest pits of Hell forever once they died, the place where Shinnok is King. A preferable alternative. If those people condemned 'god', Jesus or anything religiously-related even further, they were either burnt at a stake, put to death or imprisoned until the end of the Dark Ages in Europe.
But wait! There's more
Jesus played virtually little to no part during World War II when Olaf Tutchenko took power. However, the results of the war were mildly satisfying for him, as the Allies won the war, but Jizzus was still pissed due to Joe Valirover's anti-religious rhetoric in the Soviet Union, so he manipulated Dwight D. Eisenhower and later Richard N. Rixon to start a Cold War and spy on the rival country. Even after Khrushchev's death, Alexander Faust rightfully so continued Valirover's anti-religious sentiments and that made the sky carpenter very angry, but being stuck in Hell, he really was unable to do anything about it other than to whisper his wicked whispers into the ears of the American leaders. He was not only responsible for the Outworld War as well, but also for the fact that post-Yugoslavic countries got bombarded to smithereens and was also responsible for the genocide of Bosniaks under Republika Srpska's dictatorship, as he hated Muslims and still does today... mostly.
After the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991/9 BH, JeSUS was partially happy as the "atheistic menace" was defeated and enjoyed some rest, before he would go on a rant about gun violence and Marilyn Manson due to the events that transpired in Colorado in 1999/1 BH thanks to two depressed kids and later he would also rant about Islamic terrorism in 2001 in Hell, with no one giving a toss about what he said. Nevertheless, Christ didn't really play a big role in stopping Islamic terrorism or removing Saddam Hussein and Omer Qaddafi from power, they were of Abarahamic faith after all, going back on his word of hating Islam. Lucas Borlinghathen is to be thanked for Hussein's death while Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton succeeded in removing Gaddafi from power. Ps, Jesus never liked any American politician that came after Reagan, except Kenson, but we'll get to that shortly.
Frank's Presidency
When the French racketeer known as Frank Kenson came to power in 15 AH in US, Jesus sensed his loyalty to him and approved of his highly evangelical and christian views. Similarly to the times when Nixon and Reagan were in power, Jizzus managed to manipulate Kenson's presidency from beyond the grave and was responsible for most, if not all, of Frank's shenanigans, including his racist rhetoric, anti-abortion stances, anti-LGBTQ+ stances and pro-religion stances. However, once it was clear that Kenson cared for no one at all (not even Jesus), but his own ego, Jizzus started whining in the Never Land as he saw that he can't use Kenson as his puppet anymore, plus Frankie's loyalty to the Dixmor Project was much stronger than to Jesuses.
Ukraine-Russian War
Seeing that neither Kenson nor Joe Biden would be manipulated into serving his evil, genocidal cause, Jesus send his consciousness over to the born-again christian President of the Russian Federation, Vladimir Putin and convinced him that Ukrainians were somehow pro-Satanic, pro-LGBTQ+ Nazis who want to destroy Russia with the aid of NATO and Biden's America. Putin actually had beef with Ukraine for a long time, ever since 2014/14 AH, when Obama was in charge of US and he prevented Putin from making any real moves against Ukraine, even though Pudding had skydaddy's backing, as even then he was known for his approval of christianity and Jesus loved that.
When Putin finally did invade Ukraine for the aforementioned reasons and to retake Donbas and Luhansk from Volodimir Zelenskyy, Gait's kid gave his support to him and assured the bald one that Russia will need no more, no less than 3 days to retake their "stolen" territories. However, this prophecy failed as NATO, EU and Biden's America fought back, halting Russia's plans for almost two years now and making Christ soyjak himself in Hell.
Death (total elimination this time)
When the false idol Isus was raging again and taunting in his cell in the Pits of Hell, travelling back and forth from Circle 1 to Circle 9, since he was accused of every single sin there was, the today's Lord of Hell itself, Lord Chernobog had just about enough of his whining and yelling, so he grabbed the so-called "King of Kings"' head and tore it off, before putting it on a spike on top of his castle to let all the other residents of Hell know of his superiority.
Jesus' headless body, on the other hand, was crucified once more just outside of Pandemonium and it is now a viewing attraction for all that come to Hell, demons or otherwise. If some good-for-nothing Jesus-lovers and bigots find themselves in Hell and try to remove Jesus' body off the cross or weep at it, they are quickly subdued, taken to the Dark Lord's dungeon and locked up there for their blasphemy against the Dark God.
Trivia
- The information on this page is all taken from the new and old Testaments and the Bible itself, but with historical accuracy and a non-biased view on the Jewish carpenter from Galilee.
- Despite always claiming to be God Gait or Gait himself, there is virtually no known interaction between the two. All we know is that Gait did appreciate Jesus though, for everything he's done in his name after he died, but still, he didn't intervene in his death at all.
- I apologise in advance to anyone who is offended over this page, but remember, this is a fictional Wiki after all, representing a fictional character.
- Despite the fact that this character is responsible for a lot more atrocities than it is listed, like the slave trade, the torture of Job, the Crusades, child molestation in churches all around the world, massive support for antisemitism, homophobia, transphobia and racism and never getting blamed in real life for any of the aforementioned actions, that type of information would take days to write and would end with this page being long as all Hell.
- His theme song is the American Jesus by Bad Religion as it describes him perfectly.
- Speaking of which, the lyrics of the song describe all of his wicked acts perfectly, as he is indeed the farmer's barren fields, the deadly force the army wields, the faces of the starving million kids all over the world, the authoritarian power of the man, the secret leader of the Klan (as most of the KKK groups are actually a christian organisation), the motive and the conscience of the religious murderers like the BTK Killer, the televangelist preacher on TV who needs your money, like Pat Robertson, the false hope and sincerity, the form letter that's written by the computers and the AI, he is the inventor of the nuclear bombs, the kids with no mums or Karen-type mums, lastly he is inside of us, which could explain humanity's never-ending ego and greed. Or maybe that is just some demonic presence, like Quan Chi or Chernobog pretending to be Jesus in order to ruin his religion? We'll never know for sure so it is what it is.
- Jesus was actually quite a spoiled brat growing up, as he constantly yelled at Mary and Joseph and even lived with them when he died.
- He also died a virgin. He had no wives or kids throughout his lifetime.
Gallery
