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This article, Insult Machine, is property of KGBSpetsnaz. |
Donald Duck (viewer’s left) with his insult machine (viewer’s right).
The Insult Machine is an item that can be bought online and mailed to one’s house. It is ideal for cartoon/video game nerds as well as goths and emos, or even some average Joe’s in controlling their angry, sad, etc. behaviours. It is also a lot cheaper and easier than taking anger management classes. All you have to do is turn it on and it will explain itself then say “Do you swear to give me your attention, your full attention, and nothing but your attention so help your whatever?” If the user can take the machine’s insults for ten minutes without crying, losing their temper, or anything along those lines, a certificate will come out of the machine. However, it is recommended for daily usage just in case the user does it again by accident. It is solely a tool intended to help its user.
Examples of what the machine does and says[]
- Punches the user at an unexpected time then says “Sucker!” and laughs.
- Says that the user’s favourite sports team sucks and that their divisional rival team is “much better”.
- Disses the user’s favourite music, TV show, video game, movie, or piece of literature.
- Makes offensive jokes.