Mr Burns Loses, and Homer Snoozes (The Simpsons Lost Episode)

I am a walrus. There's no other way around it. I am a fat fucking walrus who has an even fatter son named Slimy Sausage. My son was a seal due to my wife having an affair with a clown on the payroll of Pennywise and his homie Krinkles.

If you're wondering what's it like being a walrus. Don't. I live life like a normal person with one billion cigars on hand. I failed school so ended up having to take a job at my local DVD store entitled Maniels' Media. It was originally named DVD's, Blu rays. Games, and Sausages. From what I could tell the name was changed so that it would be shorter and sweeter for people to say. The manager of the store is a man named Johnny Buggerton, and the store has finical backing from Prime Minister Rabe Maniels who had also helped with it's construction.

Even though I do love my job I was criminally underpaid, and often had to take out loans from Vladimir Papkov caporegime of Granny Dryden's Gang. I often forgot to pay Papkov which led him forcing me to clean all the dishes in Hyrule, and other gruelling tasks such as washing his car and feeding bread to the birds something which Mary Poppins would sneer at I'm sure.

I absolutely despised Papkov, as he tricked my husband Sam The Carpenter into to killing me for eating all the oysters in Beach City. He chased me from the West, he chased me over the mountains, and he ran me into the sea where he eventually drowned to death. Though rumours soon began to swirl that he had been rescued by the Rosato Brothers who got him a job working for Colonel Dodo. Colonel Dodo was the extra crispy colonel of the Extra Crispy Army. Dodo also had really bad hearing, and smelt like an ass.

Before he died, me and Sam had discussed moving to Spain, and opening a motorbike rental shop on the coast. We could get a pretty good deal on houses as estate agent Richard Beck used to date back when we were roommates at Fordham University. Now then our tale begins on a freezing cold afternoon in December. It had only been two days since Christmas, and I was helping Buggerton with getting the decorations down so we could get put them away in storage until next Christmas. "What did ya get for Christmas Walrus?" Buggerton asked, and I replied with, "just the usual stuff. A pack of 69 cigars, some new shoes, and a pack of Scaletta Gum." Also, I should mention that I never give out my first name ever, and as such everyone in the city including my own wife referred to me as Mr Walrus.

Anyways, as I was busy trying to stuff some Christmas lights into a cardboard box for safekeeping the front door to the store swung open. The smell of pissed urinals and smelly cheesy feet entered the air as none other than Vladimir Papkov himself appeared on the scene. "I thought you were gonna marry me baby?" Papkov asked the local undertaker as he was quite insane from an addiction to chewits.

Papkov then turned to face me, and yelled, "yokel where is my fucking money!? You not paid me in months, and I'm not the sort of person who is treated this way!" Vladimir who I'll just call Vlad from now on was a caporegime for Granny Dryden's Gang, and also worked for another criminal organisation. I had borrowed money from Vlad a few months back with the intent of using it to track down Rajeev who used to work for the London Underground yelling, "mind the door!" Rajeev had not been since the cheese and onion scandal of 2012. A bad sign. The nagging worry was always there. Where was Rajeev? Anyways, I told Vlad to shut the fuck up, and he ended up slapping me very aggressively. "Continue to insult me yokel, and Mr Maniels will have you hanging from a tree by New Years Eve." Vlad warned in a sexy tone. Even though I hated Vlad with a passion I still have to admit I wanted to plow him really hard like some kind of Bear who wanted Franklin in his bed. Buggerton ended up speaking up for me by saying, "Vlad stop yelling at dear Walrus, and do your fucking job alright!?" Vlad faced turned purple, and he said, "whatever but while Walrus not paid maybe you can do me a favour, and sell this." Vlad said as he handed Buggerton a DVD before leaving the store as quickly as he had come in. (A/N: Vlad's lines are deliberately written badly as he came from Russia, and his English is still very broken.)Buggerton and me then finished up packing the Christmas decorations, and then spent the rest of the afternoon watching Rap Rat in 4K. "I'm the talk of the town. I'm history in the making. I'm yours for the taking." Rap Rat proclaimed while his face took up the whole screen. It was enough to make me shit. In fact I did briefly, and nearly knocked Buggerton out because of how bad the smell was. I mean seriously it was that bad. While watching Rap Rat, Buggerton warned me to not piss Papkov off as he had very powerful friends who could end my career in oyster eating in a second. That evening, I was stopped by leaving as Buggerton placed his large skeleton like hand on my shoulder saying, "nighty night sexy." He began to dance down the street while the Sun fed poisonous raisons to a very rude raison journalist who dared to question him about now many scoops of raisons go into Kellogg's Raison Bran. What an asshole am I right?

I caught a cab to my house as I no longer had a driving lesson after I drove my last car into a river made of dog shit. I got in the house, and flopped down on my sofa. My wife wasn't thankfully, but Slimy was there, and was crying over the ending to Toy Story 3 which he was watching in the living room btw. I turned the TV off, and told Slimy to fuck off to bed. "No Pop I wanna play!" Slimy proclaimed happily like some kind of Spyro The Dragon. My son was a major manchild despite him being nearly 45 years old. "Play? Damn it Slimy when I was your age I had already been to Fordham twice." I said angrily as I took off my huge bulky overcoat placing it onto a small coat rack. As I put my coat onto the rack however a DVD fell onto the floor. 'Buggerton must of put in my pocket as I was leaving. The bastard.' I thought to myself as I picked the DVD up in order to examine it.

To my surprise, it was a DVD of The Simpsons which I had never heard of before. The DVD was called, "Mr Burns Loses, and Homer Snoozes." The cover had a picture of Mr Burns crying in his office while Homer sat next to him sleeping. The back of the case had a picture of my uncle Terry shitting in a waste basket in Africa. "Ay!?" I yelled angrily as I opened up the DVD #causing a small piece of paper to fall onto the floor. I picked up the note, and found it to be a letter from Buggerton. This is what it said: Dear, Mr Walrus, I have given you this DVD in order for you to test it as the disc had several scratches on it. I'd do it myself, but I'm too fucking lazy, and am busy having it on with my hot wife who works in Riker's Field for the Corleone Family. I told you about her remember? She had gone to Fordham with one of McCluskey's sons.

Anyways, I want to let me know your thoughts on the DVD when you come to work tomorrow morning. Yours Sincerely. Johnny Buggerton

I finished reading the note only to find that Slimy had put the disc into my ps2, and the main menu appeared. It showed Groundskeeper Willie beating the snot of Homer while Mr Krabs cheered on in the background. There were only two options with the first one reading, "play episode," while the second read, "note from doctor." Curious, I had Slimy click it only to be featured to a video of my doctor Doctor Chapati telling me something very important.

"Mr Walrus this is your doctor. Doctor Chapati. You are without a doubt the most smelly walrus I have ever smelt. You smell like that Domino's Pizza I used to wipe my ass one night when I was drunk. Sadly there's no cure for smelling so terribly. So you're stuck like that forever. Bye bye!" Doctor Chapati finished while giving me a thumbs up. Also, his thumb had poo all over it.